“Don’t say words you’re gonna regret”, or, More on the Alan Parsons Project

Okay, so I’m still having way too much fun with that idea from the last entry and I’ve been sitting here letting my imagination go wild which is always a dangerous thing but I can’t help myself — here is a sample of “The Alan Parsons Project If That Were Not A Band but Instead the Worst Woodworking Show Ever“:

image via dummbidumbwit right here on the wordpress!

(come in the house) (look at the clock) (shit, The Alan Parsons Project is on right now — you like that show and you pretty much forgot!) (sit down on the sofa and get your knife out) (oh and also a notebook in case you have to scribble down stuff you want to wiki later) (turn on television to public access)

(Alan is talking) (a segment is ending)

“…And once you round off that corner, sand it down — and that’s how you carve a wah-wah pedal from single-source old-growth ash. Later in the show, I’m going to show you how to whittle a wire for that pedal, using a technique similar to the one I pioneered during down time in the production of Dark Side of the Moon. That was neat, wasn’t it, Eric?”

“It was. It really was neat.”

(the theme music) (be right back bump card) (now sad music) (pledge drive commercial. oh, the sick uneducated little children. why won’t you help them? why?) (more sad music) (this is hella terrible) (but you really can’t afford to sponsor a kid for a whole—) (commercial is ending) (thank god)

(information about obtaining a videotaped copy of this episode of the Alan Parsons Project) (should you write that down? maybe you should try and get a copy since you missed the beginn—) (oh shit the theme music) (the show is almost back) (put down the bong and get your knife back out) (wait — bong?) (yes it appears so) (why are you high with a knife?) (yeah that’s probably bad) (maybe put the knife away for now and Just Watch until you come down a little) (that’s better. doritos?) (yes — where?) (on the table) (okay cool) (introductory theme music is ending) (wow that lasted forever) (probably only felt that way) (the show is back now)

via the hepcats on the forum over at the International Cannagraphic magazine. that is some kind of terrific kids’ bubble-blower, amirite!

“Hi. I’m Alan Parsons, and if you’re just joining us, welcome to ‘the Alan Parsons Project’ — where we bring you all the best in prog-woodwork. Again, we’re really excited for you to tune in tonight, and we also look forward to tomorrow’s program, when our guest Robert Fripp will show us how you can carve a looper from rowan bark for your very own Pure Frippertonic pleasure. Won’t that be neat?”

“That sure will be neat.”

“It will. Now, Eric, I understand that tonight you’re going to demonstrate a unique Scottish method of adding decorative scrollwork to a vocoder?”

“Mm, that’s right, Alan. Hello, everyone. Eric Woolfson here. What I’m about to show you is a popular technique in Dundee, but some say it comes from even farther into up-country Scotland. Now, just personally, I like to incorporate human phalluses into all of my decorative scrollwork.”

“You know, I’ve noticed that, Eric!”

“You have? Great! That means a lot to me, Alan, because it’s kind of my private stamp. It’s mainly due to my detrimental obsession with Sigmund Freud which has caused my solo music to suffer significant criticism and has honestly been a setback to the overall arc of my career, but, ha-ha, you know, Alan, every woodworker develops his own unique signature. Why, I know a whittler from Northumberland who likes to cane doll-sized chairs, but to personalize and add an individual touch to each one he does, he …”

And so on. (Nickel in the mail to whoever finishes the Northumberland miniature chair-caner story the best.)

Actually, that spiraled in to a show I might watch. Especially with Doritos. Sober as the grave, OF COURSE.

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5 Responses to ““Don’t say words you’re gonna regret”, or, More on the Alan Parsons Project”

  1. milo McMiloson Says:

    ” he takes his smoke ,you know he smokes way too much, and burns little tiny rope burns into each chair so it looks like someone had been tied up in the chair. he’s kinda creepy like that.”

    • E. Says:

      Ah, haha perfect — great combination of creepy and conversational (You know he smokes way too much, exactly the kidn of independent clause a person just tosses in to a creepy sentence to make it seem all innocuous) haha… Thanks!

  2. intRvenous Says:

    Thanks to you, I will have “Eye in the Sky” stuck in my head for the rest of the day. “… I can read your mind.”

    “I like to incorporate human phalluses into all of my decorative scrollwork” – brilliant.

    How do you know so much about vintage music gear?

    • E. Says:

      When my daughter’s father and I first began dating, he mentioned he was really in to King Crimson. I managed to score us tickets to a concert they were doing in San Francisco and they blew my mind, so I started looking in to prog-rock’s history.

      Once I had a dream that Adrien Belew ran a secret school in his home for quasi-mutant children whose brains had evolved this musical-prodigy ability, and my daughter was one of his students. It was awesome but then during dinner he tricked me in to eating human tongue. So I have to say dream-Adrien Belew received mixed reviews from me.

      Alan Parsons would NEVER pull that shit.

  3. Jonathan Tad Ketchen Says:


    I’m a huge Alan Parsons fan and I linked some of my other Parsonic friends to this article! Very funny!

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