June is bustin’ out all over — time to jump along with it

Today has gone about as I expected, but with weirdly more zen-like contentment and even restrained happiness.

The principal as much as said at the interview that she would have to go with the more experienced teacher to fill the position at the school where I’ve been working as an aide and substitute, no matter how she felt personally about me, due to parent demand for fully credentialed teachers, as I had anticipated. I assured her I understood that with the parents, it is always a delicate balance and I appreciated that she was in an awkward position. We agreed it was a shame that I can’t in good conscience take out a loan and pursue my credential until I have a job to finance that academic endeavor, and the promise of one in my own field is worth holding out for, but I can’t secure a position like that without proof I am at least beginning an effort to be in a credential program, which puts me in this awful Catch-22.

Brigitte Bardot photographed by Phillipe Halsman, 1951.

But overall it was a really positive, loving, and upbeat interview, and it accomplished my chief goal, which was to demonstrate the sincerity of my committment to the little community she has created at her school. She was really nice and spoke glowingly of things she hoped we would be able to do in the near future. She said frankly that she wanted me on her staff and that once this position was filled according to tradition and political appeasement, there would not be pretty much any competition for whatever new openings may arise next year. It was a good talk.

via Square America.

So. Happy thoughts. Great things happening in my life with these tutoring jobs for the Scamps and kidlet finishing up kindergarten tomorrow, plus my Katohs graduates high school tonight, and all in all I’ve got a million things to be thankful about and a new season in which to celebrate them. And I have decided — no more hiding and tossing in my sleep. No more anxiety and self-doubt constantly wracking me. No more tearing at my fingernails and spitting them out while my mind hashes through all the ways things can go wrong and obsesses over my bank account.

Audrey Hepburn photographed by Philippe Halsman, 1955.

Time to start leaping a little. Let’s do it!

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5 Responses to “June is bustin’ out all over — time to jump along with it”

  1. John Salisbury Says:

    How adult of you, how mature.
    How many interviews have I had that went Really Really Well, the interviewer Really Liked Me, and I’d be “Perfect For The Job” (an actual quote) except for that One Little Thing which, you understand, the interviewer personally has no control over, nothing she can do that’s Just The Way Things Are. You understand.
    No, there’s nothing to be gained by getting angry about it, and before each subsequent interview you have to leave your weary cynicism at the door because nothing kills an interview more effectively than a bad attitude.
    Perhaps once you’ve gotten the required credentials and find they still have no opening for you, you’ll allow yourself to get angry. Because it isn’t you, it’s The System: the soul-devouring System.

    • E. Says:

      I cried a little in the shower. Does that count? I think my soul is definitely in the process of getting devoured. I’d quit the rat race, but they don’t let you camp on the beach anymore. Plus I guess it’s illegal not to send my kid to school to learn to be a robot, and I’d never run away without her. So I’m stuck. Do things get better?

  2. John Salisbury Says:

    The situation is without precedent, at least in US history (other empires have risen and fallen but the consensus seems to be that all that has gone before doesn’t apply to US), instead of you quitting the rat race, the rat race is quitting you. Those responsible should be guillotined, every last one.
    More than that, they may have succeeded in making the earth uninhabitable. Judaeo-Christian cultures believe in blood sacrifice and maybe Jehovah needs to be fed. Not long ago I would have said it’s up to us to right all our wrongs but now I’m thinking we’ve gone past that point, and only God can save us . . . and if I was Him, I wouldn’t.
    So: Do things get better? It doesn’t look good, does it? As far as you yourself and the kidlet, I’m reminded of a line from the TV series “Firefly”:

    If you can’t walk, you crawl;
    If you can’t crawl, you find somebody to carry you.

  3. John Salisbury Says:

    I’m sorry, I know it’s customary to say encouraging things in such situations. It’s also dishonest. You’re a good writer and you have a keen mind; perhaps you should aim higher. Write a book–you probably have one in you–

    • E. Says:

      I appreciate what you had to say. Writing a book — that would be a REAL jump worth trying. It’s something I consider but I’m a fearful person so I’m not ready to come at it straight yet. But thank you for the suggestion, it confirms that urge I’m always suppressing to quit and do nothing but write. So thank you for the honesty AND for the compliment!

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