Thing One and Thing Two — An analytical epitaph for a man forced to give in to the one thing in life he couldn’t browbeat in to doing his will

Thing One: I don’t understand the uproarious, showy displays of grief such like, “Oh, the surprise of this unexpected thing, how stunning,” going around over Steve Jobs’ unfortunately succumbing to his illiness. Like, you knew he was dying, people, first of all. How is this shocking? Totally sad for his loved ones and his company, yes. Shocking, no. Good lord, no.

But what galls me most is what might piss you off really badly when I say it. I think this messianic technological heroism they’re touting is nearly imaginary. Visionary for sure but not exactly Edison on the invention side, here, dudes — he had a whole lot of help. The giant-ness of the attention is deserved, but the track is wrong for me. I’ll explain.

Besides being a notorious, egomaniacal hellbeast of an overseer, Jobs did not “invent” iPods and the like. He was just the admittedly sadly ailing, ever-thinning public face of those products. He was good at making geniuses work for him, and signing off on ultimate marketing decisions that were really the culmination of the work of thousands of other people, which he had a big hand in directing but not generating the content of.

He was a trench-educated, old school techie and a hell of a businessman — but he does not deserve all this solo credit he’s getting left and right for products made by the entire staff of the huge company he ran. Okay, so I’d like to see less credit for inventions in pieces on his passing, and more credit for innovations.

Thing Two: For me, his real magic power, good or bad, the truly remarkable about him for which his merit should be forever remembered is again not technical invention, but business innovation — when Steve Jobs returned to Apple, he did not just turn profits.

He ate the competition for breakfast and shit them back out as money.

He took Apple away from its image of a quirky, hip-cognescenti alternative to the big, straightforward Goliaths of PC corporations, and put the company on its present path, whereby its highly-publicized and ultra-high-conceptual-design products are virutally unupdatable, and this is accepted completely by consumers. Built-in obscelence has become not only expected but anticipated.

That is the kind of skilled marketing genius that makes IBM and HP look like retired guys with their belts up under their bitch tits taking a big ol’ handicap at the golf course.

People camping out in lines for the slightly newer version of a product they already own, knowing full-well that within a few years there will be another slightly newer version of that thing? And then arguing with me about why it was super-necessary and how I just don’t understand (I don’t, so they have me there)? That is Jobs’ legacy.

This path was so successful that every company now follows it in its production of handheld devices and, increasingly, notebook PCs. Since notebook PCs are likely to cause the phase-out of desktops, moving understandably and beneficially to cloud computing but cleverly plotting the ever-evolving releases of mobile devices with which to access the cloud, Jobs’ model is the plain old Future. Even the most diehard home-cobblers will eventually have to cave in order to meet the technical demands of what society will expect them to be able to do if they want to work and interact with others efficently. Get mad, but Jobs started it. Yes, he did.

Its users may still include ponytailed bluegrass fans and flannel-sporting skinny-jeaned twats with ironic facial hair, but Apple is categorically not the scruffy gang of misfit scamps, all earnest and adorable, trying to beat the rich kids across the lake so Old Man Withers can keep Camp Wannahumpme anymore. They are the rich kids across the lake.*

You might be thinking, Jeezy creezy, E. What’s wrong with making money? You’re right: nothing. Good for the guy making it. For me, the guy spending the money? I say, Dang, man. Fuck those dudes making money. They suck.

It’s a petulant, childish attitude, yeah: what do you expect from a woman who writes chiefly about comics and boobs? Do I strike you like I got a plan to make money? (I don’t.) Of course my criticism is in large part sour grapes masquerading as mild Marxism: all Marxism is. Except Engels’. He was in it for the pussy.

I am sorry for Steve Jobs’ family, very much, and, marginally, for his company. Grieve the man. Yes. The loss of any human life is genuinely sad, especially the loss of complicated, particularly brilliant stars like Steve Jobs.

But the rest? About what a major and important place of honor Apple holds in our culture, and what glorious tools of divine perfection Jobs delivered to our hands by the grace of God or whatever, like the Lady of the Lake giving Arthur frigging Excalibur?

Not so much for me. I flatly disagree with the openly money-seeking strategies of the mobile device business model he has wrought. I know Steve Jobs was famous for saying negative people upset him, but, if that’s so, then he and Carl Sagan will just have to sit in the turtleneck department in Heaven and shake their heads over my lack of getting it. (Carl will only be playing along to humor the new guy — he loves me.)

I admire the shit out of his business sense, even as I dislike it, and I feel bad for his family. But I do not hold him up high for putting a new iPhone in your hands every thirty minutes. Not sorry for saying it. Go jerk off in back of the Birkenstock outlet and boo-hoo about it. I’ll be out here, reflecting on the loss of a major figure in how world business works.

*Open contest for the name of the rich kids’ camp in the comments, if you’ve got one.

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14 Responses to “Thing One and Thing Two — An analytical epitaph for a man forced to give in to the one thing in life he couldn’t browbeat in to doing his will”

  1. Pryor Says:

    *Camp Kinnagotabermuda?

    I pretty much agree with you on the whole bit, but I don’t get the reference to Carl Sagan (except for the turtleneck part).

    • E. Says:

      Just that Sagan will be mentoring Jobs in to the “smart guys in turtlenecks” section and they’ll see the negative aspects of what I’m saying and disapprove. But Sagan will really only be pretending to disapprove in order to facilitate Jobs’ comfort in his new spot in heaven, because really Sagan thinks I’m great — he’s just doing his job, mentor-wise, by supporting Steve for now and shaking his head at me for being negative.

      • Pryor Says:

        Ahhh, okay. Once I shift my focus from Carl shaking his head to Carl in the turtleneck section, it all becomes crystal clear. It’s all POV, right?

  2. Apolinio Says:

    Apolinio reblogged this on Apolinio's Blog and commented: An interesting point of view which defers from the one generally expressed on today’s massive coverage of Steve’s death.

  3. Caoimhin Says:

    Camp C’moniwannalaya, Camp Pokaheiny, Camp Nativesoundingsexualinnuendo, Camp Sortawannaspankya… BTW, I realize you’re from the future and all, but I don’t think girls are supposed to write things like “bitch tits” and “pussy” (“boobs” is probably ok, though). And, for heaven’s sake, I hope you never pick your nose or poop! I’d love to reblog this, but you’re a WordPress girl, I’m a tumblr guy, and I just don’t think it’d work out…

  4. Dairyfarmer Says:

    I’m pretty sure Thomas Edison was a colossal jerk too.

    • E. Says:

      Mm, and also very good at persuading people and the government to adapt his shit rather than his contemporaries’ (ie: eating the competition for breakfast). Ask Dr. Tesla.

      • Dairyfarmer Says:

        Psshaw… Dr. Tesla is the man behind the scenes at HAARP causing earthquakes willy nilly across the globe for the man. The joke is on you Edison, Tesla is immortal, and he had a fairly successful run leading an 80s rock band to boot.

  5. grendelica Says:

    well, thank you. I totally agree. I think you will like this fine collection of ads:

  6. Anonymous Says:

    The Onion keeps a stiff upper lip about things:

  7. Devin Ball Says:

    Excellent post. I am tired of all the articles & such trying to make Jobs out as some sort of techno-saint. Do you mind if I quote you? Giving you & your blog full credit, of course.

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