Showdown!: Shirtless with black bra edition

“I would love to have Monica Bellucci’s figure, but I’m never going to get it. I’m naturally who I am.”

(Keira Knightley, May 21, 2007 on British television.)

Oh, the hell you’re that naturally thin. This is not sour grapes, this is me saying I have naturally slender friends (Cinder, Paolo, Corinnette) that you make look gluttonous by comparison.

I think Keira Knightley is very beautiful and I like that she dislikes paparazzi and publicity shenanigans, but I do not like that I can see all the knobs of her spine and she hasn’t got the sense to stop shopping around the tired genetic excuse which could never possibly account for the degree of boniness to which she has descended in the last decade. I like tone and I like cheekbones, but when chicks get that kind of Predator protusiveness to their clavichles and elbows, I get this skeevy, recoiling feeling.

via

I can’t even look at animal bones. Ask my family about the Thanksgiving that I walked in to help clean the kitchen and my aunt hadn’t wrapped the remainder of the carcass in foil yet. I literally fainted. I could never be a battlefield nurse nor a professional taxidermist (as opposed to your hobby-taxidermy). Haven’t got the stomach.

Photograph by Lauren Greenfield for her Thin showing. Yes, it’s the same girl, only in her second picture she looks pretty.

So when I say protrusive bones skeeve me out, I’m not jumping on a thin-girls-are-anorexic bandwagon where the in-flight movie is Envy and we are all served with tall glasses of haterade by morbidly obese stewardesses selected specifically to make us feel good in comparison because we’re sick enough to mentally pit ourselves against other women. I’m serious. Bones like that freak me out and upset me and make me think of the Holocaust which then makes me want to cry until I vomit.

So for the love of God, Keira Knightley, if I have to see you in another goddamned Pirates of the Caribbean movie which all United States citizens are required by law to attend or face public headshaving, would you please eat spaghetti before stepping in front of the camera?? Thank you.

Anyway, here they are again. Showdown!: Shirtless with black bra edition — whose body rocks the party?

Top: Keira Knightley; Bottom: Monica Bellucci.

Movie Moment — Mean Girls Monday: Kälteen bars edition

The bizarre self-esteem and weight issues that the character of Regina evinces in this movie will be a recurring theme some other, better-researched day because, like the movie itself, those traits are satirically funny and cutting while still being devastatingly true, but today let’s focus on the great comedic timing of this specific Mean Girls movie moment.

Caps by me. Click to enlarge.

It happens: All apologies

Audrey Hepburn, I am sorry that I adapted Alfred Hitchcock’s criticism of you yesterday when I called you the patron saint of anorexics. It was totally not okay of me to call you out like that. I don’t know what came over me and I heartily apologize.

You’re a special spirit, a fellow brunette and fellow guilty smoker, and I’ve always thought you had a certain style, and I’ve always bet you used to tap your collarbone when you were bored in line at the ladies’ just like me, and, well, long story short, I hope that we’re still cool. Sorry again.

I thought maybe today I will schedule some you-centric ghost posts to try to make it up to you (not that, from what I gather, you were much of a one for kowtowing and attention…but still). Okay?