Mean Girls Monday: Gremlins edition

Still from Gremlins (Joe Dante, 1984). Silliness by me.

It took eleven minutes of my life to make this, minutes which will never again present themselves to me for use in a different or more meaningful way.

No regrets.

Textual healing: Once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Michael Gondry, 2004).

On a quick personal note, I’d like to say thanks a million for a million views, guys. We are all on the path to becoming Real, even if it’s sometimes tremendously difficult to keep the waves from rolling us under, even if we know it’s easier to be facsimiles, and even if we suspect becoming Real may take all our lives. We still trudge down that path. Thank you for sharing mine with me.

69 Days of Wonder Woman: Day 43, Maximum minimal

via.

“Basically it’s a distillation. It’s taking things about [Wonder Woman] that are great and the things that have made her an icon and discarding the things that are less important.”

(Joss Whedon. Interview, 2005.)

He was talking about his Wonder Woman film script. The project currently languishes in development hell.

Flashback Friday: Movie Moment — Airplane!

Still feeling kind of heavy. Really great Zucker and Abrams flashback should do the trick.

Airplane! (Abrams, Zucker, and Zucker, 1980). Tagline: “You’ve read the ad, now see the movie!”

Elaine: There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Woman who winds up hanging herself: Nervous?

Ted: Yes.

Hanging Lady: First time?

Ted: No. I’ve been nervous lots of times.

Joey: Wait a minute. I know you. You’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers!

Murdock: Ha, I’m sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I’m the co-pilot.

Joey: You are Kareem. I’ve seen you play. My dad’s got season tickets.

Murdock: My name is [showing his nametag] Roger Murdock — I’m an airline pilot.

Joey: I think you’re the greatest, but my dad says you don’t work hard enough on defense. He says that lots of times, you don’t even run down the court, and that you don’t really try except during the playoffs.

Murdock: The hell I don’t! Listen, kid, I’ve been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA.

Rumack: You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has got to get to a hospital.

Elaine: A hospital! What is it?

Rumack: It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.

Ted: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We’re bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We’ll fly in from the north, below their radar.

Elaine: When will you be back?

Ted: I can’t tell you that — it’s classified.

Elaine: You got a letter from headquarters this morning.

Ted: Headquarters? What is it?

Elaine: It’s a big building where generals meet, but that’s not important right now.

Air Traffic Controller: Bad news — the fog’s getting thicker.

Jimmy: And Leon’s getting larrrrrger!

Betty: The white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a red zone.

Vernon: No. The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There’s never stopping in a white zone.

Betty: Don’t you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping!

Vernon: Listen, Betty, don’t start up with your white zone shit again.

Vernon: There’s just no stopping in a white zone.

Betty: Oh, really, Vernon? Why pretend? We both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.

Vernon: It’s the only sensible thing to do, if it’s done safely!

Reporter: What kind of plane is it?

Johnny: Oh, it’s a big, pretty, white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows, and wheels, and it looks kind of like a big Tylenol.

Rumack: Elaine, you’re a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?

Elaine: No.

Fun trivia fact: Julie Hegarty was intended by the studio to become a big star, but she had to quit show biz when she got so thin that her image ceased to register on film.

And, last but never least:

Of course.

Goethe Month: the Eternal Feminine, or, “Heaven is a hell of a party.”

Alles Vergängliche ist nur ein Gleichnis;
Das Ewig-Weibliche zieht uns hinan.

All that is perishable is but an allegory;
The Eternal Feminine draws us on.

(Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust, Act 5, “Heaven.” Final lines of the play.)

I interpret that to mean this: The things of men’s making that fade and grow dusty and entropically fall into disuse and destroy themselves in time are not to be worried over in their passing because they were never intended as anything but pictures to make us understand the continually Creative beyond that awaits, endlessly pouring out life, when we follow our dead objects to the grave.

Photograph by Michael Demeo.

I have contemplated it for about thirty seconds and I think I really dig this dynamic vision of Heaven suggested in the final lines of Faust. It is more exotic and vibrant than the tired old “flights of angels/peaceful rest” saw, yes? Like you are expecting to alight on some pastel cloud and hear harp-arrangments of soothing Bach chorales while you kick back with a lemonade, and instead someone shoves crazily-bubbling champagne at you, a tall fancy neverending flute for each hand, and the invisible stereo plays only ODE TO JOY, the good part, OVER AND OVER, forever and instead of the pastel cloud you are instantly transported to the front row of an endless big bang!, watching the universe eternally fling fire and stars at itself! for all time.

Turns out heaven is a hell of a party and all your friends are there and your dead pets are live again and in their prime waiting to play whenever you like only they don’t shed anymore and your family all get along great and you can finally tell all the people you liked in your life but never told about your true feelings for fear you’d look like an idiot that you always liked them so much and they are all great with that and like you back and no one is bothered about sharing. And you are holding a sparkler. On a rearing t-rex.

“Fuck, yeah, Heaven!”

Liberated Negative Space o’ the Day: Donnie Darko edition

via thechocolatebrigade on the tumblr.

I know this guy who claims controversially when drinking in a crowd that he doesn’t like the film Donnie Darko (Richard Kelly, 2001). This guy will say he happens to think that it’s a dumb, boring, pretentious piece of crap that tries too hard, and people only pretend to like it because they’re afraid of looking not-hip. I geniunely love the film Donnie Darko, but it’s okay, because I happen to think that this guy is a dumb, boring, pretentious piece of crap who tries too hard, and people only pretend to like him because they’re afraid of looking not-hip.

Haters to the left.

Talk nerdy to me: Mean Girls Monday — Harry Potter edition

Don’t say I never gave you anything, nerds. It’s an all Harry Potter edition of Mean Girls Monday, by way of introducing my confession about the final films.

The below series of subtitled screencaps is based on the scene in Mean Girls wherein Regina George is described by various frenemies, classmates, and instructors.

So. Last night, while watching the Lost drive-you-crazy-with-anticipation-before-the-finale special that aired before the Lost legitimate finale with Gorgeous George and the Great Dane, the subject of the upcoming two-part Harry Potter final films arose. The Great Dane theorized that the bulk of the script was just going to be the characters running and hiding in the forest — much like Lost with the jungle, as Geo pointed out which may have started the conversation, or the reverse … I had a lot on my mindgrapes so it’s tough to call.

I folded my arms and, bloated on pizza and keyed up with anxiety for Lost, said flatly: “Look. I don’t care what else happens. All I want to see is Mrs. Weasley open a can of whupass on that fucking bitch Bellatrix Lestrange.”

Geo and the Great Dane laughed at my announcement and I said seriously, “No. I’ve been waiting. I don’t need to see all the little cheesey denouement stuff. Like, seriously? Just Mrs. Weasley spanking that Goth bitch. All I need. I could pretty much just leave after that.”

I then mimicked throwing up a peace sign to a packed theater and added, “Allow me to save you the time, y’all — Harry lives. I’m out!”

See, I know I called you hardcore HP guys “nerds” back there, but I must admit: no one kills a Weasley twin and gets away with it. Not on my watch. Those dudes are crazy-hot. Um, redheaded twins? with magic powers? and, P.S., they basically run the fantasy equivalent of a comic shop? Winner, winner, chicken dinner! So I’m looking forward to seeing some hardcore death-avengeance: Mom-style. Mmm, cursey!

SeaQuest out!

I’ll have a butterscotch sundae, I guess.

Had errands to run to help my mother and her friends with some church luncheon shenanigans in the morning, and a lot-lot-lot on my mind today, but the good news is it was a foggy-but-genial day for Grandma, which makes everything much better. She had a pretty gay time just watching traffic and neighborhood cats out the front window.

Paper doll set intended for framing by claudiavarosio on the etsy.

Margot: You probably don’t even know my middle name.
Royal: That’s a trick question; you don’t have one.
Margot: ‘Helen.’
Royal: That was my mother’s name.
Margot: I know it was.

Guess what I watched today? I’m not so sure it was the greatest move.

“Margot Tenenbaum” by Jopet on the deviantart.

Raleigh: You don’t love me any more, do you?
Margot: I do. Kind of? I can’t explain it right now.

Raleigh: Are you ever coming home?
Margot: Maybe not.
Raleigh: Well, I want to die.

“These days I seem to think…” bytoxicdecay on the deviantart.

Raleigh: You made a cuckold of me.
Margot: I know.
Raleigh: Many times over.
Margot: So sorry.

“Old Mink Coat” by Vitamin Bee on the deviantart.

Richie: You dropped some cigarettes.
Margot: Mm? Those aren’t mine.
Richie: Th — they just fell out of your pocket.

“Margot Tenenbaum II” by cielobell on the deviantart.

Ethel: How long have you been a smoker?
Margot: Twenty-two years.
Ethel: Well. I think you should quit.

“Margot Tenenbaum” by Brett Is a Girl on the redbubble.

Richie: I think I might be in love with Margot.
Royal: … Margot Tenenbaum?

“Margot Tenenbaum” by Tussilagon on the deviantart.

“I’ll have a butterscotch sundae, I guess.”

Mean Girls Monday: Kevin Gnapoor’s rap (A true unlikely G!) and a riff for the forgotten male perspective

Kevin Gnapoor’s rap at the Winter talent show in Mean Girls. I love how the other Mathletes are his backup dance and beatbox team.

Ought not my honeypie Jason Sudeikis, or my suddenly-slimmer honeypie who needs to eat more sandwiches again, Seth Rogan, or even goodtime guy and genre-reinventing patron saint Judd Apatow write a sequel called Mean Boys about the complexity of guys’ relationships in adolescence? I feel like the topic gets overlooked. Of course, there is the fantastic Superbad, but that is in a category all its own, like a unique and special and hysterically funny bildungsroman that moved me and also made me laugh until I had to run to the bathroom to wash off my mascara because I kept crying from laughing.

One of the best movies I’ve ever seen (and don’t start me on how women complain there are no positive females in the frat pack flicks like Old School and Anchorman or in the new breed of bromance movie, because that is such straight up egg salad — yes, males are the comedic protagonists but women are their motivating factors and ultimately their redeemers; sorry that the heroes win the lady but also keep their guy friends and still like video games, you emasculating and controlling slags; a dude does not have to collapse his personality into yours in order to be a good boyfriend. Cheese wheels! Ease up.)

Anyway, yes, I love Superbad. It’s like an American Graffiti or Dazed and Confused of bromantic friendship. I love it to death, especially because it focuses on a close friendship between key characters, but what I’m talking about here is a movie for young men which, Mean Girls-style, explores and breaks down more various types of the male cliques and hardships of social maturation for teenage boys. It’s really unfair that they’re constantly shunted to the sidelines in favor of the primacy of female bonding in this period. They’re out there suffering, too, you know? I’m just sayin’.

Mean Girls Monday: The Devil Wears Prada edition

Music and Movie Moment: Nancy Adams — “Love,” featured in the cartoon Robin Hood

Nancy Adams – “Love”

For me, Disney’s animated adaptation of Robin Hood (Wolfgang Reitherman, 1973) is the definitive version of the legend, but it is widely documented that I am immature and impressionable.

If the love story between cartoon fox Robin Hood and cartoon vixen Maid Marian did not absolutely melt your young heart then we have nothing to offer each other and you are furthermore a robot who has not been programmed to know love.

Love, It seems like only yesterday
You were just a child at play
Now you’re all grown up inside of me
Oh, how fast those moments flee

Once we watched a lazy world go by
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief, but when it’s gone
Love goes on and on.

Ooooooh Love will live
Oooooh-ooooh-oooh Love will last
Ooooooh Love goes on and on and on.

Once we watched a lazy world go by
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief, but when it’s gone
Love goes on and on.

Robin Hood: We’ll have six children!

Marian: Six? Oh, a dozen at least!

Hoo! The lady would like to double down, Mr. Hood. Dag. This is a vixen with some serious brass balls.

Marian: Oh, Clucky, surely he must know how much I really love him.

Lady Cluck: But of course, my dear. Believe me, someday soon, your Uncle King Richard will have an outlaw for an in-law!

Hiss: Sire! Sire! They may be bandits.

Prince John: Oh, poppycock. Female bandits? What next? Rubbish.

Prince John: Robbed. I’ve been robbed. Hiss! You’re never around when I need you! Hiss — I’ve been robbed!

Hiss: Of course you’ve been robbed!

Little John: You’re burning the chow!

Robin Hood: Sorry, Johnny. I guess I was thinking about Maid Marian again. I can’t help it. I love her, Johnny.

Little John: Look, why don’t you stop moaning and moping around? Just marry the girl.

Robin Hood: Marry her? You don’t just walk up to a girl, hand her a bouquet, and say, “Hey, remember me? We were kids together. Will you marry me?” It just isn’t done that way.

Little John: Aw, come on. Climb the castle walls. Sweep her off her feet. Carry her off in style!

Robin Hood: It’s no use, Johnny. I’ve thought it all out, and it just wouldn’t work. Besides, what have I got to offer her?

Little John: Well, for one thing, you can’t cook.

Robin Hood: I’m serious, Johnny. She’s a highborn lady of quality.

Little John: So she’s got class. So what?

Robin Hood: I’m an outlaw, that’s what. That’s no life for a lovely lady, always on the run. What kind of a future is that?

Friar Tuck: Oh, for heaven’s sake, son. You’re no outlaw. Why, someday, you’ll be called a great hero.

When ABC used to have that Disney Sunday Night movies segment, I recorded this on to a VHS. Around a year later, one of the other networks ran Sixteen Candles, which, being a dutifully Molly Ringwald-worshiping young woman of the 1980’s, I naturally recorded, carefully fast-forwarding through Robin Hood to the blank remainder of the tape. Some time later that Spring were the televised Grammy awards, which I also recorded, on to that same tape, at the request of my mother because she had some kind of a PTA meeting/Tupperware presentation/murky, boring grown-up shenanigan to attend and my mom is a big Grammy guy from Way Back. She is a fan of Awards Shows in general. My mother approves of an industry’s recognition of those within it who have displayed special talents. She is a kind lady like that.

I rewatched the videotape a few years ago, beginning with Robin Hood for my kidlet, then Sixteen Candles while she napped, then all the way through to the Grammys, mainly on fast-forward with a nostalgic half-smile at the 80’s fashions, and then suddenly I stopped in awe — as a-ha performed “Take On Me” in cramazing outfits of formal ruffled tuxes and the keyboardist in mad rad white gloves.

So, to recap this little anecdote: 1. Robin Hood. 2. Sixteen Candles. 3. a-ha dressed to kill and doing “Take On Me” live at the 1986 Grammy Awards.

Best VHS I own? I think so.

Prince John: I sentence you to sudden, instant, and even immediate death!

Marian: Oh, no. Please. Please, sire. I beg of you to spare his life. Please have mercy.

Prince John: My dear, emotional lady, why should I?

Marian: Because I love him, Your Highness.

Prince John: Love him? And does this prisoner return your love?

Robin Hood: Marian, my darling, I love you more than life itself.

Oh, Robin, you’re so brave and impetuous.

Little John: And now, your mightiness, allow me to lay some protocol on you —

Prince John: Oh, no, no! Forgive me, but I lose more jewels that way…

There really was a King Richard the Lionheart and a younger brother named Prince John with his eye on the throne. In fact, John staged a rebellion when his older brother ascended to the throne in 1189 but it was unsuccessful and resulted in him being generally unpopular in his brother’s court, where he was called “Lackland” (because he was not the inheritor) and “Softsword” (I hope this is only a reference to being shitty at rebellions and not a veiled mockery of impotence. that happens to lots of guys and it’s nobody’s fault).

Richard and John (along with their brothers Henry and Geoffrey, all of whom attempted at one time or another to take the throne from their father) were Plantagenets, the sons of Henry II and the infamously strong-willed Eleanor of Aquitaine. This is probably why the mere mention of his mother makes John go on a thumbsucking frenzy in the animated film. Her husband Henry had her imprisoned beginning in 1173 until his death. He basically said something like, “You can’t come out ’til you stop helping our sons try to depose me,” and, indeedy, she was not released until Henry II died in 1189. (cf: The Lion in Winter.)

Eleanor was the most powerful woman in the High Middle Ages, a real force to be reckoned with, and, unusually, all sources contemporaneous to her life agree that she was not only outstandingly beautiful, but not voluptuous or blonde as was the ideal at the time — she was able to pass herself off in drag as a man even in her fifties, at a time when ladies had some pretty serious hams. (I love that the words “hams” and “cans” can mean any body part on a woman and work.)

In reality, when Richard inherited the throne in 1189 and went gallivanting off to the Third Crusade, it was Eleanor, not bonny Prince Johnny, who stood in for him. She even went to Germany and negotiated Richard’s ransom. Following his brother’s death without an heir, John ruled from 1199 to 1216 and was supposedly so dreadful as a king that the English swore never again to have a king named John.

True to their word, they haven’t.

(However, I’d like to point out that John signed the Magna Carta, a document which was in many ways the forerunner of democratic rule, while Richard started an abominable straight-up pogrom in London that killed thousands. I’m just sayin’.)

Wes Anderson recently featured this song on the soundtrack to Fantastic Mr. Fox, which is probably an homage, because he probably really liked this movie when he was a kid, too, because I did, and we’re probably going to get married someday and bang, like, all the time. Just all kinds of places, even, too. All over the house and the neighborhood, so much that they will rechristen our town Bang City. Bangsville. Bang Island. St. Bang’s Township, the jewel of Bangburg County, in sunny Bangland. Swing by and visit us at Banglots Village, elevation: banging.

People will call us all like, “What are you doing next weekend?” and we will be like, “Banging. We are emphatically not free for dinner,” and my mother will email me to sadly say in all caps, “E— WHY DO I NEVER HEAR FROM YOU ANYMORE,” to which I will reply, “It is because I am very busy doing all this banging of my husband, Wes Anderson.”

Not really. I’m not that interested in Mr. Anderson anymore. He is still a great director, but I no longer see myself banging him, certainly not all the time and definitely not while we are both married. I’d just been sitting on that little “banging” diatribe for awhile and wanted to use it.

Special thanks to the sources of these screencaps, cheesechimp and bottle_of_smoke in the Nostalgia Party No. 2 community on the lj.

Movie Moment: Airplane!

Airplane! (Abrams, Zucker, and Zucker 1980). Tagline: “You’ve read the ad, now see the movie!”

Elaine: There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Woman who winds up hanging herself: Nervous?

Ted: Yes.

Hanging Lady: First time?

Ted: No. I’ve been nervous lots of times.

Joey: Wait a minute. I know you. You’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers!

Murdock: Ha, I’m sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I’m the co-pilot.

Joey: You are Kareem. I’ve seen you play. My dad’s got season tickets.

Murdock: My name is [showing his nametag] Roger Murdock — I’m an airline pilot.

Joey: I think you’re the greatest, but my dad says you don’t work hard enough on defense. He says that lots of times, you don’t even run down the court, and that you don’t really try except during the playoffs.

Murdock: The hell I don’t! Listen, kid, I’ve been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA.

Rumack: You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has got to get to a hospital.

Elaine: A hospital! What is it?

Rumack: It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.

Ted: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We’re bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We’ll fly in from the north, below their radar.

Elaine: When will you be back?

Ted: I can’t tell you that — it’s classified.

Elaine: You got a letter from headquarters this morning.

Ted: Headquarters? What is it?

Elaine: It’s a big building where generals meet, but that’s not important right now.

Air Traffic Controller: Bad news — the fog’s getting thicker.

Jimmy: And Leon’s getting larrrrrger!

Betty: The white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a red zone.

Vernon: No. The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There’s never stopping in a white zone.

Betty: Don’t you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping!

Vernon: Listen, Betty, don’t start up with your white zone shit again.

Vernon: There’s just no stopping in a white zone.

Betty: Oh, really, Vernon? Why pretend? We both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.

Vernon: It’s the only sensible thing to do, if it’s done safely!

Reporter: What kind of plane is it?

Johnny: Oh, it’s a big, pretty, white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows, and wheels, and it looks kind of like a big Tylenol.

Rumack: Elaine, you’re a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?

Elaine: No.

Fun trivia fact: Julie Hegarty was intended by the studio to become a big star, but she had to quit show biz when she got so thin that her image ceased to register on film.

And, last but never least:

Of course.

Pick me up: Movie Moment, Anchorman

Besides the soul-abiding sense of rightness that I derive from my attempts at seeing the grace and truth in all things in the universe and my positive affirmations and all my other crazy-go-nuts, tree-hugging-hippie bunk, another thing that never fails to make me feel better when I’m blue is a couple of beers and some Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

Ron: Unique New York. Unique New York.
The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.
I love scotch. Scotchy scotch scotch.
The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.

Brian: I know what you’re asking yourself, and the answer is ‘Yes, I have a nickname for my penis.’ It’s called the Octagon. But I also nicknamed my testes. My left one is James Westfall, and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

Ron: I friggin’ love you!
Veronica: I friggin’ love you back!
Ron: Look! The most glorious rainbow ever!
Veronica: Oh, do me on it!

Brick: There were horses and a man on fire and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron: I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. You may want to find yourself a safe house or a relative close by; lay low for a while? Because you’re probably wanted for murder.

It’s like, no matter what’s going on in my life, I should maybe just accept that it will eventually be over, whether it’s a difficult test, a faltering interview, or a drawn-out discussion of divorce and its backstory; and, when it’s over, there will be a later point from which I am remembering it as I crack a beer and set up the Anchorman DVD. That’s eternal — Anchorman is consistent and omnipresent, the afterpoint of 1,000 sorrows which will always be in flux, but Anchorman will never change, no matter how many times I watch it and feel uplifted. So what is the lesson here? Maybe this. Troubles are temporary, they are almost impossible to sustain, but the good stuff lasts. I like that way of looking at it. So much better, am I right? I’m off to make like everything is super-great and normal and a-okay. You stay classy, The Internet!