Liberated Negative Space o’ the Day: Scream real loud

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Photograph by Terry Richardson.

Liberated negative space o’ the day: Be.

New York, NY. Photographed by Terry Richardson.

Movie Moment — Breaking news, Three Musketeers, 2011, is in pre-pro!

At first I was totally dismayed and worried when I heard there’d been slated a new movie adaptation of The Three Musketeers because Dumas’ adventure books were such good friends to me for so many years (this clearly merits a re-read actually; it’s been too long). But then I saw that Paul W.S. Anderson was at the helm and my sphincter relaxed.

The lovely and talented Ms. Milla J.

Then I saw Milla Jovovich was in it — not because Anderson is her husband but because she is amazing and anyone who says otherwise can shut their piehole or I’ll shut it for them — and I did backflips. I’m going to dwell on this a lot until its release. For today, a quick look at the cast:

Lerman is on the left doing delightful jazz hands.

Logan Lerman (D’Artagnan) was most recently in the movie Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Two-bit Monkeyshines and the Missing Noxzema Pad as the titular Percy Jackson; the most surprising credit on his absolutely stacked resume is The Butterfly Effect. No one gives that movie enough credit. Pretend Hashton Euchre is someone else (as I have just done) and that movie is strikingly awesome. Anyway, I think this kid looks too young to play the dashing Gascon protagonist and I fear he was chosen to appeal to the tween demographic, which has even more worrisome ramifications because a faithful adaptation of the first book can only result in a PG-13 rating at best unless some Disney-style plot-monkeying has been done, but I look forward with cautious optimism to being proven wrong on all counts. Paul W.S. Anderson wouldn’t do me like that. We go back to Event Horizon, man: it’s us to the mortuary.

Wildly underrated darling Paul Dano. What a talent.

If I had been the casting director, D’Artagnan would be played by: Paul Dano or Emile Hirsch. Guys who’ve proven their chops in challenging, dramatic, serious roles (Little Miss Sunshine and Speed Racer, respectively) — just kidding, obviously in Hirsch’s case I am referring to the film adaptation of Into the Wild — and can handle the emotional demands of the part. Again, I would hope with all my heart that Logan Lerman proves me wrong. Good luck, kiddo: I really am pulling for you.

Very talented upcoming actor James Corden. Glad to see him cast in a big part, hope it is worthy of him.

James Corden will play D’Artagnan’s servant, Planchet. That he is billed up in the top 10 is weird to me, so they must have beefed up his part. The casting directors have gone the portly-servant-to-the-handsome-gentleman route with their choice, a trope so cliched as to almost be commedia dell’arte in its typecasting, but not quite that creative; just predictable. However, that is not the kid’s fault and I give James Corden props for having appeared on an episode of Dr. Who. I look forward to seeing what he brings to his perhaps-more-significant-than-normal portrayal of Planchet. (edit: Supafly Gordon Fraser has the skinny on the bigness of Mr. Corden; read all about his popularity in the UK in the comments — mystery solved to a satisfying and encouraging conclusion!)

I would have liked to have seen: a real skinny, fair, left-field, oddball hottie like Jesse Tyler Ferguson or Mike White.

Ray Stevenson is Porthos. He’s been working like a madman lately and clearly has the skillz to pay the billz, Big Budget Picture-wise: Cirque Du Freak, The Book of Eli, The Other Guys, and the forthcoming Thor are all recent credits — dude knows his way around an action flick, for sure. All in all, I approve. He is an Irish boy, so my hands are tied. It is a foregone conclusion that I will adore him. Porthos is the party guy of the Musketeers, so it’s also nice to see that Mr. Stevenson will get to play against type and not have to be strictly the big toughie, but get to enjoy a little wine, women, and song along with his usual dealing-out of ass-kickings.

My ideal casting: Donal Logue. Duh.

Matthew Macfayden has been cast as Athos. Most recently Mr. Macfayden played the Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood, though his awesomest resume credit is from Grindhouse as “hatchet victim” in the Don’t segment. I wish I could put “hatchet victim” on my resume. Well, on reflection, I suppose not. “Hatchet survivor” is so much more optimistic. Macfayden’s most impressive credit is for the television special Nuremberg: Nazis on Trail, on which he served as the narrator for the episodes on Goering, Hess, and Speer. I admire that.

Athos is supposed to be the oldest of the group and kind of reserved, which works with Mr. Macfayden’s intelligent-but-pinchy face, like he worries a lot about things, but I’m concerned about him being too young and handsome to realistically portray Athos as older than this cast’s Porthos (above). Also, there’s the him-and-Milady thing. Milla is such a badass and so unthinkably beautiful and vital compared to his own type of fitness and vibe, that kind of sinewy, reedy runner build, so if they do any sexytimes flashback I’m concerned it will seem imbalanced. I’m afraid I have to glance askance at this casting and again just hope to be blown away when I see the movie.

I would have chosen: Clive Owen.

Luke Evans is set to portray Aramis, my favorite of the Musketeers. He is very multi-faceted as a character which makes him a satisfying companion to follow when you’re reading the adventures. Aramis is both bookish and restless; a dreamer who also plans; much more religious than the others but also given to double-dealing; patient in allowing his machinations to take shape but simultaneously governed by impulse and wild ambition, which he backs up with intricate, Machiavellian plots that generally succeed. He is somewhat the visionary of the group.

As far as face goes, Mr. Evans looks sensitive but smart enough to accurately portray Aramis, although I’d have preferred to see Cillian Murphy, who could have handled the breezy humor and abrupt mood shifts of Aramis’s temperament, and whose resume could use a famous-good-guy credit after turning in such impressively villainous performances in RedEye and the Nolan Batman films.

Then again, I prefer to see Cillian Murphy in just about anything. Mr. Evans is probably in due to being the sheriff’s henchman in Robin Hood and Apollo in Clash of the Titans, so he will be back in action with Mr. Macfayden. (Did the casting directors go directly to the sets for all these recruitments or is some incestuous, neopotic agency simply teeming with busy bees.)

In a perfect world: Cillian Murphy, as I have made abundantly clear.

Christoph Waltz has got the nod to play Cardinal Richelieu. You know him — Inglorious Basterds, a one mister Herr Landa? Guy spent the last twenty years working his ass off mainly on German TV and has totally earned his day in the sun. Good on him and I think he will bring an appropriately balanced Richelieu to the screen for maybe the first time ever: usually he is portrayed as a straightforward villain. Cardinal Richelieu is a more complex character than that — not as uniquely complex as Rochefort, who in the books eventually becomes friends with the Musketeers many years later, but still less one-dimensional than film adaptations traditionally demonstrate — and I hope for good things from Mr. Waltz.

I would have gone with: meh. I am happy with Christoph Waltz in this role. Richelieu is not the main or most intriguing villain of the piece and I like a capable, team player like Waltz in the part because I would hate to see him pull a Tim Curry-style upstaging of the next character on my list — Milady de Winter.

Milla for High Times, October 1994, related to her appearance in Linkletter’s Dazed and Confused.

Milla Jovovich plays Milady. Yes.

That’s all I have to say about the casting choice. Yes. Yes. I love her almost beyond expression, like admire her and genuinely wish good things for her despite having never met her but not in a crazy way, and I have seen all of her movies so many times over, particularly The Messenger: Joan of Arc — and now she is portraying one of my favorite characters from literature, my darling Milady de Winter? YES. Yes. I want to see this movie YESTERDAY.

I would have picked: OBVIOUSLY MILLA. She should just play all the parts and then go on tour with her live, one-man Three Musketeers and I will go to every show.

They’ve cast Mads Mikkelsen as the V.I.P. villain-cum-henchman Rochefort, seen most recently in Clash of the Titans (Draco) and Casino Royale (Le Cheffre). If this storyline is starting from the popular and most usual point for dramatic adaptations, when D’Artagnan first meets and joins forces with the Musketeers, then Rochefort is supposed to be memorably creepy and a figure of mystery for much of this film. His most overriding characteristic, besides his swordsmanship, is that as a character he is very, very recognizable. Mikkelsen looks great, but I’m not sure he will be creepy enough to believably carry such a stamp, if that makes sense? The very figure of Rochefort is supposed to inspire pervasive dread.

My choice: Crispin Glover, who must surely soon begin to enjoy a renaissance of mainstream key-playing work due to his successful reviews in Alice in Wonderland. He plays a good villain and some time under a sun lamp to gain a proper Gallic bronze would do him good anyway. Plus I think he is hot and I’ve always been a big fan.

Twinkle-Toes P. Banananose, the 4th, has been cast as the Duke of Buckingham. Anyone know anything about this guy? I couldn’t find anything at all on him. Seems he has no career whatsoever and is an utter nobody. What a shame. Moving on.

Alternate casting choice: ANYONE ELSE.

Lovely young Juno Temple (she knows what she has to do to get billed “and talented”) will play Queen Anne of Austria. She was most recently in Dirty Girl, a forthcoming bildungsroman epic of sorts with Milla in it, so I’ll know more about her as soon as it comes out, since, as I mentioned, I have sworn a blood oath of lifelong devotion to Milla Jovovich and would sooner pluck out my eyeballs and eat them than miss one of her movies — but, like I said, it’s not in a crazy way. Or anything. Ms. Temple seems a very young choice for a film that also has the Duke of Buckingham in the cast, because their affair is such a major plot point in the story of D’Artagnan and the Musketeers first collaborating to save the Queen’s honor and defeat Richelieu.

Prediction: the newest incarnation will not feature a Bryan Adams song.

Those who know only the Disney version will not be familiar with this twist — I know, how shocking that Disney whitewashed and played fast and loose with an adaptation of a literary classic; I am as surprised and chagrined as you are. What a terrible and uncharacteristic shock this is. Anyway, if the entanglement between Buckingham and Queen Anne starts now … and Twinkle-Toes P. Banananose, the 4th, is scripted to be pawing this poor kid on the screen … I’m going to be pretty skeeved out. I mean, I know she’s 21 and all, but … ew. He’s just so very ew. Showers are free — just go out in the rain, buddy.

My pick: Anne Hathaway. No brainer.

Final picture of Anne Hathaway for, you know … Science.

All in all, I can’t wait for a picture so close to my heart and directed by someone I trust to come out and I’m sorry but you must expect to hear plenty more about it.

Take two Tuesday — It happens: Daily Batman

photographed by Terry Richardson.

Of course.

Three’s A Crowd? I think so. Music Moment: The song so nice, I’m playing it twice — Snake River Conspiracy, “You and Your Friend”

I’ve been pulling some threads together about Wonder Woman — get to that later today, maybe — and one of the more surprising facts across which I stumbled was that her creator lived in a polygamous/polyamorous relationship, which reminded my wandering self that a) it’s been days since a Music Moment appeared and b) I’ve got a new picture to go along with my old post on this topic and song! For myself, this could never work. I understand it’s an idea that’s out there, but for me, that is just not how sexytimes go nor by what emotion they are informed. It would have to be some kind of crazy-go-nuts bizarro world where I was on “e” and didn’t know anybody involved to consider it. Too much emotion otherwise. I’m a lover. Anyway. Take it away, SRC!

“The Three Party” by Hugh Lippe.

Snake River Conspiracy – You and Your Friend

From the LP Sonic Jihad, treat yourself to Snake River Conspiracy’s track celebrating the [dubious — how can you people share??? pretty sure I am way too selfish/passionate/crazy for this to work] joys of polyamory, “You and Your Friend.”

“Threesome” by wondermaker on deviantart

In my dreams, I can see us in a tight embrace,
doing all the things
that we never really did:
I think I’m in love with you.
Must we go run through our lives with our eyes closed
to the loving happiness that we can share?
I think I’m in love with
You and your friend,

Tobey “the Tornado” Torres, original lead vocalist for Snake River Conspiracy, and pal Theresa Beth “Tairrie B” Murphy of Tura Satan, My Ruin, and LVRS.

Honest, I do,
I can’t see you and me and her without each other
And I hope you feel the same way too
(you and me and her)

I spend all my time on the telephone line,
Trying to say it just right this time,
Something that could change your mind

I know this is love and I feel it there,
I’ll whisper something so sincere
Exactly what you want to hear

l to r: Scarlett Johanssen, Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem. Still from Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008).

Now you know the things that I say when I’m swimming
Through the flood of all my
desire (can be so unclear)
But I know I’m in love with you.

In my dreams I still see us in a tight embrace
In spite of all the things that
the people say when they stare
that’s how I know I’m in love with
you and your friend,

“Comfort” by drakablue on deviantart.

Honest I do, I can’t see you and me and her without each other,
And I hope you feel the same way too
I think i’m in love with you

(bridge)

Just Tobey

I spend all my time on the telephone line,
Trying to say it just right this time,
Something that could change your mind.

I know this is love and I feel it there,
I whisper something so sincere,
Exactly what you want to hear

“Three Way Kiss” by Terry Richardson

Honest I do, I can’t see you and me and her
without each other
And I hope you feel the same way too

I think I’m in love with you (you and me and her)
I hope you feel the same way too

“Know This” by rantl on devianart

I think I’m in love with you (you and me and her)
I hope you feel the same way too
(you and me and her)
(you and me and her)

I hope you feel the same way too
(you and me and her)
(you and me and her)
(you and me and you and me and you and me and her)

Calendar Girls Day: Pirelli edition (NSFW)

When I originally conceived of this highly-planned project approximately 30 seconds ago, I knew right off the bat I’d have to start with the first one I always think of, the exclusive and presitigious gold standard of the glamour-girl calendar genre: Pirelli.

Pirelli Tyre Co.: “Power Is Nothing Without Control.”

The Pirelli calendar has a long and storied history, where autos, art, and advertising intersect with a dash of sexy-times on top; it’s actually really amazing, but I’ll go in to the bulk of that and its noteworthy issues of yore another day (that may have to become a regular feature, come to think of it — lord knows I have about a hundred pictures from its issues over the years saved on my computer). Today I’m trying to sell you on super-cool 2010 calendars, so I’ll stick with the current issue. Click on any image to see it large!

Behind the scenes at the production of this year’s Pirelli calendar.

The 2010 Pirelli calendar was shot by esteemed photographer and personal patron saint, mad rad Terry Richardson, on location in Brazil. It features a pantheon of awesome supermodels, including Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Ana Beatriz Barros, Daisy Lowe, and Lily Cole (just to name ones who have appeared on this blog before), as well as Gracie Carvalho, Enikő Mihalik, Miranda Kerr, Marloes Horst, Catherine McNeil, Georgina Stojiljković, and Abbey Lee Kershaw.

Group hug! Left to right: Eniko Mihalik, Rosie Huntington Whiteley, Catherine McNeil, Abbey Lee Kershaw, Daisy Lowe, Gracie Carvalho, Marloes Horst, Lily Cole, Ana Beatriz Barros, Miranda Kerr, and Georgina Stojiljkovic.

Daisy(, Daisy give me your answer true) Lowe inside a tire with Catherine McNeil; Marloes Horst in suspenders; Marloes goes on like a blister in the sun, which is to say toplessly; and baby doll Lily Cole looking like the rophynol has worn off and she’s just woke up in a cabin in the foothills (that one makes me uneasy).

Georgina Stojiljkovic likes a lover with a slow hand (it’s a sloth: get it?); and Rosie H-W with same, although hers looks more like it was cross-bred with a Wookiee.

Miranda Kerr, adorable as always, rocking a hat; Marloes Horst can’t seem to keep a top on to save her life; and Catherine McNeil proves to the naysayers that yes, she has got milk. In your face!

Ana Beatriz Barros looking imperious — she is clearly queen of the jungle, and one of you bitches best bring her some peeled grapes; “Look, ma, no gag reflex!” photographer Terry Richardson and Abbey Lee have the banana situation all nailed down.

One more of Catherine MacNeil. Topless on a bull because, um, it’s for science. Science!

I am sorry to say that you cannot buy the Pirelli calendar. It is only distributed in-company, or given by the executives of Pirelli Tyre Co. as a corporate gift. So unless you are a Grand Prix driver or a rubber tree plantation owner, your chances of seeing these girls other than right in front of you on this-here blog are Slim to None, and Slim just left town. So I hope you enjoyed, and give the Pirelli calendars of the past a good googly moogly!

Music Moment: Snake River Conspiracy, “You and Your Friend”

Snake River Conspiracy – You and Your Friend

From the LP Sonic Jihad, treat yourself to Snake River Conspiracy’s track celebrating the joys of polyamory, “You and Your Friend.”

“Threesome” by wondermaker on deviantart

In my dreams, I can see us in a tight embrace,
doing all the things
that we never really did:
I think I’m in love with you.
Must we go run through our lives with our eyes closed
to the loving happiness that we can share?
I think I’m in love with
You and your friend,

Tobey “the Tornado” Torres, original lead vocalist for Snake River Conspiracy, and pal Theresa Beth “Tairrie B” Murphy of Tura Satan, My Ruin, and LVRS.

Honest, I do,
I can’t see you and me and her without each other
And I hope you feel the same way too
(you and me and her)

I spend all my time on the telephone line,
Trying to say it just right this time,
Something that could change your mind

I know this is love and I feel it there,
I’ll whisper something so sincere
Exactly what you want to hear

l to r: Scarlett Johanssen, Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem. Still from Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008).

Now you know the things that I say when I’m swimming
Through the flood of all my
desire (can be so unclear)
But I know I’m in love with you.

In my dreams I still see us in a tight embrace
In spite of all the things that
the people say when they stare
that’s how I know I’m in love with
you and your friend,

“Comfort” by drakablue on deviantart.

Honest I do, I can’t see you and me and her without each other,
And I hope you feel the same way too
I think i’m in love with you

(bridge)

Just Tobey

I spend all my time on the telephone line,
Trying to say it just right this time,
Something that could change your mind.

I know this is love and I feel it there,
I whisper something so sincere,
Exactly what you want to hear

“Three Way Kiss” by Terry Richardson

Honest I do, I can’t see you and me and her
without each other
And I hope you feel the same way too

I think I’m in love with you (you and me and her)
I hope you feel the same way too

“Know This” by rantl on devianart

I think I’m in love with you (you and me and her)
I hope you feel the same way too
(you and me and her)
(you and me and her)

I hope you feel the same way too
(you and me and her)
(you and me and her)
(you and me and you and me and you and me and her)