Teevee Time: I Dream of Jeannie, “The Second Greatest Con Artist in the World”

I am determined to shake off the weird sense of anxiety and sadness I have this week. With that in mind, there is nothing like a little adorable Barbara Eden and her wonderful faces to cheer me up!

I Dream of Jeannie, Season 3, Episode 3. “The Second Greatest Con Artist in the World.” Original air date: September 26, 1967.

Get it, girl! Razzle dazzle ’em.

Jeannie and Tony go on vacation to Hawaii. Jeannie wears a fancy scarab pin that King Tut gave to her back in The Day, and gains the attention of a con man named Charles (guest star Milton Berle).

Reporter: Boy that’s an interesting pin; it must be a copy of the King Tut Scarab.
Jeannie: (haughtily) “A copy?!” This is the original!

Tony: Jeannie, why did you have to wear that pin?
Jeannie: I wanted to look nice for you!
Tony: Well. … Did that thing really cost a half a million dollars?
Jeannie: I do not know. (shrug) King Tut did not say.
Tony: Wh — did King Tut really give this to you?
Jeannie: Oh, yes, he was quite fond of me. He was a very nice man, you know. Well. A bit of an egomaniac.

Charles tries to convince her to trade the priceless scarab pin for diamonds he claims have been found covering the beach at Lēʻahi (Diamond Head).

Excited at the prospect of making Tony rich, and, being honest-to-a-fault herself, Jeannie falls for Charles’ line of bull. Shenanigans ensue.

I’m a huge Milton Berle guy and I gotta say this is one of the most irreplaceably insane pictures of him that I have ever seen.

Hoping to get his mitts on the valuable King Tut scarab pin in Jeannie’s possession, Charlie “trades” the bauble for Diamond Head Beach, with the help of a partner in crime named Vanderhaven (Fred Clark). Unfortunately for the crooks, Jeannie gets even by conjuring up a deucedly clever “sting” operation. (via allmovie.com)

Dig that fun synopsis: “deucedly” clever, even. Can you watch the swearing, please, allmovie.com? You’re likely to peel the paint right off my walls with that kind of blue language. Tea and crumpets, the saucy blackguards!

Tony: This is certainly a beautiful yacht.
Charlie: Why, thank you. You know, I keep a launch out at Nassau.
Jeannie: (excitedly in an aside to Tony) Oh! Would you like a beautiful ya–
Tony: No, no, no, Jeannie. No! Shhh.

Final fun fact: This episode was co-written by Claudio Guzman and “Allan Devon,” which was a pen name for producer Sidney Sheldon.

Post-Holiday Pick-Up Day: Dinah Willis, Miss December 1965

Playboy’s Miss December 1965, the lovely and talented Dinah Willis, was a “Bewitched” fan (boo: that snooty stick-in-the-mud Sam can kiss my ass; Team “Jeannie” for-ev-errr), but I forgive her because she was a really interesting gal other than that.

Photographed by Pompeo Posar.

Miss Willis has devoted most of her off-hours this past fall to her increasing interest in the field of underwater photography. “I’ve always been kind of an amateur photo bug,” says Dinah, “So when my mom bought me a Yashica 35-millimeter camera for my birthday last August, and a skindiving friend of mine helped me build a waterproof plexiglass housing for it, I really wanted to learn all I could about underwater camera techniques.” (“Letter Perfect,” Playboy, December 1965.)

My husband got me hella photography shit for my Lomo Diana F+ camera for Christmas. Hella. Like all kinds of nifty gadgets and attachments. I don’t know what that’s about or how he remembered me talking about all that shit over a year ago, but I’m really grateful, although nervous because it adds extra pressure for my photos to not suck. I guess I should have bought him art supplies … I didn’t even think to. I’m a sucky, shoddy, estranged dick. Sorry, husbandoh.

“Nowadays, I spend most of my free weekends south of the border shooting stills in San Carlos Bay, or talking shop with all the other amateur shutterbugs who come there to dive.”

Dinah’s few stay-at-home evenings are spent brushing up on her painting (“I stick to watercolors most of the time, but I’ve dabbled in everything from oils to toothpick sculpture”), listening to her collection of country-and-western LPs (“Hank Williams is my ideal”) and cooking Mexican dinners (“Outside of tacos and enchiladas I’m a total washout on the domestic scene”).

Hank Williams and tacos? Kiddo, I’m yours. I will even tolerate your retarded fuckin’ pillow-dogs (she mentions that she breeds show mini-poodles; we can keep them around to feed to the Great Dane/Mastiff mix I will one day breed).

“With my father dead and my older brother, Keith, in the Army, I’m the only breadwinner in the family. Of course, my Playmate money will take care of any emergency, so all I have to do is earn enough to make ends meet for the next year or so. I’d like to travel a little before I settle down, anyway. There’s not much for a young girl to do in my home town except get married, have babies and watch television — and I hate television!”

Word. Television will rot your brain, y’all. I’ve always said that. Not like the internet, which cures baldness, tones muscle, kisses babies, and makes you smarter!

GROWING UP:
I was born in Texas* but grew up in Ruidoso and Eunice, New Mexico.

FAMILY LIFE:
I have one older brother who is fighting in Vietnam.

PEOPLE I ADMIRE:
Jackie Kennedy and Barry Goldwater. I don’t see how a woman can take such a loss and remain so brave. And he’s one of the most outstanding individualists of our time.

MY WEAK SPOT:
I sleep too late.

Between all of that, the tacos, the Bakersfield-sound-LP-fandom, and the photography, Ms. Willis and I are clearly hella getting married as soon as I build this sex-changing time machine, and if you scoff at my flawless plan you are totally not invited to the wedding.

*Heroes fans — she was born in Odessa, TX specifically.

Actually, a spin on the wiki reveals that Ms. Willis has been firmly spoken for since not long after this December pictorial was published: “Dinah married a musician signed to The Tokens B. T. Puppy label. Dinah has two daughters. One is a poet who works with the homeless in the Bowery, NYC; the other is a singer, song writer and a backup singer for Chubby Checker.” Not too shabby. I’ll let it go and leave the time machine blueprints for another day! This time…

Adorable Jeannie: PSA edition

PSA: Jeannie loves Master. Pass it on!

In this episode, adorable Jeannie has decided that she wants to be Tony’s secretary so they can spend more time together. He tells her to do this, she has to join the Air Force, thinking it will deter her. Naturally, it does not, because she loves him and is his devoted slave*. Whatcha workin’ on there, Jeannie? Studying hard?

Or hardly studying?

*She is his slave by choice, it must be noted: he freed her from the bottle and she chooses to stay with him. He in turn takes care of her; I think they have an absolutely wonderful relationship, but I’m all kinds of fucked up.

Anyway, I effing love this show ’til the end of time (I’ll get in to why I think it is better by far than that sterile slop Bewitched another day) and I believe Barbara Eden to be the most delightful, adorable, cuter-than-shit blonde gift from God to ever totally prove his existence, so look for plenty more Jeannie where this came from!

All stills from “G.I. Jeannie,” I Dream of Jeannie: Season 1, Episode 5. Original air date October 16, 1965.

How to toast the competition: “I Dream of Jeannie” edition

I Dream of Jeannie and Barbara Eden would like to show you how to toast the competition.

That is how you make an entrance. Hasta la pasta, brunette.

JEANNIE: What was that one doing here, Master?
TONY: That one was my fiancee.
JEANNIE: (indignantly) Thou art kidding! … I can do much more for thee than she can.

Sold.

Screencaps and script from I Dream of Jeannie, Pilot, “The Lady in the Bottle,” final draft (December 2, 1964). Original airdate: September 18, 1965.